Can I do this on my own?

My rock; my fort; my anchor; my mentor; my DAD is now facing a new chapter in his life.  A chapter we all want him to skip as a whole, but no matter what I say or do now, this chapter is currently being written.  I have been meaning to express how I feel about this new chapter for quite some time now, but I was not (and still not) that brave to do so.  I was afraid that I would only break down and cry and never even come out with the right words.  As I type, I am fighting the tears from falling.  Am I winning?  I would like to believe so, since I can still see clearly and I can still type without wiping the tears away.

My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer early this year.  He is currently undergoing the 2nd phase of chemotherapy.  He is complaining a lot more now than he did during the first phase.  Although we've been hearing good feed backs from his doctors, we are still preparing for the worst case scenario.  As much as we would like to stay positive, being prepared for the unknown is not that negative.

When we were younger, my siblings and I would get mad at them (our parents) every time they talked about preparing for their eventual departure (even up to now I can't let myself type the other D word when connected to the words mom and dad).  But as our spiritual formation got stronger through the years, we could talk about it without thinking how morbid they could be for thinking about it when they were both healthy and strong.   There even was a time when we would talk about the details of our wakes and funerals just so that we'd know what to do when that time came.

This is not the first health scare in the family.  We've all been through our own fair share.  Those of you who know me can attest to that.   I can be very brave about my own health condition, but when it comes to my parents, I am just as scared as scared can be.  I shudder with the thought of being without them.  That statement alone made me lose my battle with the tears that I've been trying to hold off.  I know that they have done their best to prepare us (me and my siblings) to be on our own, but if I had my own way, I'd rather that they live forever.

I would like to see my dad stand proud and tall again, without doubling over from weakness, nausea, or pain.  I would rather see him with his big tummy than see him lose weight very fast.  I still have a lot of things I want to do and achieve, and I would like my dad to still be there when I do so.  Can I do those things alone?  I know I can, but I would rather fail any undertaking than be successful but not have him there to share it with.

Dad, I know that all of us will face our own final chapters in life,  but as much as I can, I would love to share several more chapters with you.  I love you Dad! Stay strong and keep the faith. 

Love always, 

Katy