Of Doors and Windows and Answered Prayers

When God closes the door on one thing, He leaves many windows open :) In my reflections this week I remembered this quote which says something like "God answers prayers in 3 ways: 1) He gives you exactly what you ask for, knowing that you deserve it. 2)  It may take a while, but He gives you what you ask for at the right time, which teaches you patience and humility. 3) He doesn't give you what you ask for but instead He gives you something else, something that He knows is best for you."  If we have little faith or if we are impatient (which most of us are) and numbers 2 or 3 happens, we often give up easily and we blame Him when things don't go the way we want them to.  

In the last 3 weeks or so, I was bombarded with small problems, which grew bigger and bigger and bigger until it almost made me give up on something that I've invested my time, money, body and even my soul for the past couple of years. My health was getting compromised too and I did not want to be a burden to anybody, specially my family.  The other night, after a heart to heart talk with my sister, brother-in-law, and my Mom, I prayed for a sign, something that would tell me that enough is enough.  I asked my Dad's help too, as I would when he was still with us.  The very next morning, I got one, or so I thought.  I was both surprised and hurt.  Surprised because it was so fast and hurt because it meant that  I would be losing something that has meant so much to me since I started it.  I said  that my decision was final, but I was mistaken.  It wasn't the end.  It indeed was a sign, but not a sign for me to give up, but instead it was a wake up call.  In just the 2 days that passed after getting the "sign", I was directed to research online for something that could help me get back on my feet again.  I remember I did this before but I never got the result that I was looking for.  But just after a few clicks, there it was.

And so,  my dear friends, here I am again, starting over.  No, not from scratch, since I have the foundation already, but starting over with a clean slate.  The wake up call was for me to work things out and do everything the correct and right way.  Although it feels like I was slapped on the wrist by my Dad, scolding me for letting things slide after he passed.  But at the same time, I feel blessed and thankful that he is still there to guide me.  Thus,  I conclude that the DOOR to my problems is now closed, and the windows to better and brighter opportunities are now opening.

being the better person

I had wanted my first post after a hiatus from blogging for about 4 months or so, to be more positive.  I was waiting for the right time, right reason, right topic.  But what happened to me just an hour ago has pushed me to write again.

I lost my temper over an inconsiderate SOB of a driver (young and reckless of a fool) who cut me off on my blind side as I was driving towards the exit ramp of Trinoma's parking lot.  I went down and confronted him (showed him the Hulktress that was in me) as I caught up to him at the toll gate. This I did in front of my mom (who was my passenger and who would have been the most injured one of us all had he hit us.) Do you know what riled me the most? His "what did i do?" face as he drove off like nothing happened.  But what got me to calm down after several minutes of ranting while driving was my mom saying "What if he had a gun and shot you down, then what?"  That made me want to sink into my seat from shame.  Shame because I had permitted my very short temper get the best of me.  Shame because anger made me forget  the countless of times she and my dad kept reminding me after i got sick that I should learn to control my temper. 

I remember posting a blog several years back in my Multiply account which my Dad was able to read,  He confronted me about it soon after as we had our usual video conference.  He reminded me of our "let 10 id**ts pass rule" wherein every time we encounter SOBs on the road, we should let 10 of them pass before we get angry.  By the time 10 of them had crossed our path, we already forgot about the others.  He actually taught me a lot, the rest I may blog about next time.  


As I reflect on what happened earlier, this phrase came into mind: "be the better person." Dad said that a lot.  He applied it to a lot of situations himself.  He inculcated this into our being, leading us by example.  I am human, thus I stumble.  I stumbled tonight and I permitted my anger to break loose.  I would like to commit to be the better person.  I will keep it in mind all the time to help me become a better person.  I will strive not to stumble again, but if I do, I am sure he will do something again to remind me.

My Most Favorite Childhood Song

K-K-K-KATY

K-K-K-Katy, beautiful Katy, 

You’re the only g-g-g-girl that I adore; 

When the m-m-m-moon shines, 

Over the c-c-c-cowshed, 

I’ll be waiting at the k-k-k-kitchen door.

My Dad and his friends used to sing this song a lot when I was young.  Back then I thought it was an original song that they made up just for me.  When I grew older I learned that it was a campfire song that they used to sing as boy scouts.  

My Dad used to sing this to me as a lullabye but it had a different effect on me.  Even when I was already half-asleep,  I would sing along with him and end up being wide-awake, singing the lyrics at the top of my lungs.  

Last night, some of his friends from high school visited him. To our delight, he was awake and very lively as they chatted about the old days (stories we've heard countless of times every time they got together) and as they sang songs from their repertoire back when they were part of the glee club.  For the first time, after all these years, I heard my Dad sing this song again.  He was looking at me and gestured to me with his hand as he sang.  I sang along with them and danced a bit until I felt the tears running down my cheeks.  I did not want to turn away but I had to since I did not want him to see me cry.  

How I wish I recorded that moment.  Imagine, a video of him singing my most favorite childhood song.  I now have my camera ready just in case his friends would visit and they sing that song again.  

Sing this song for me again, Daddy.  Sing it for me again.......

Of Tears and Pain

I have been battling with myself whether to blog or not what I have been going through lately.  Today, as I sit here, facing my Dad who is lying on a hospital bed too groggy from all the medicines, I felt the need to air all my feelings out.  I know that all my recent blogs have been pretty sad but who can blame me when my Dad's prognosis has turned from hopeful to terminal in just a matter of months.

I can count the times when I've permitted myself to cry unabashedly since the start of my Dad's ordeal in one hand.  We all agreed that we would not cry infront of our Dad.  It saddens him to see us in tears and no one wanted to add to the pain that he's already going through.  I have been telling myself to be strong, and praying for the courage to face this latest chapter of our lives, for both my Dad and Mom.  But seeing him in physical agony and seeing her trying hard to keep her emotions in check, is tearing me to pieces.  My siblings and I have our own coping mechanisms but I know they too, feel the same way.  

We all try to go on with our normal daily routines.  I have been going back to the shop, managing it and trying to improve it's services bit by bit.  Aside from that, I try to squeeze in errands for the family.  I have been trying to make time to go out with friends, but unfortunately our free schedules do not match most of the time.  But it is really difficult to concentrate on one thing, when at the back of my mind, I am dealing with the thought that my father may soon be gone.  No matter how much I prepare for it; no matter how strong I try to be; and even if I've accepted his situation, I am still my father's daughter and my heart is flooded with tears and pain. 

Once when I was young and was in pain from an unknown cause, I heard my Dad say: "I feel so useless, I cannot do anything for her.  If only I can carry the pain for her, I would, just so that she won't suffer anymore."  That is how I feel right now.  I am willing to own the pain he is going through, just so that he won't suffer anymore.

I Have A Dream

After dinner at home with my dad and mom, we were listening to dad's ABBA CD and we got to talking about a lot of things.  Each song we listened to gave us specific memories of people, places and events; from the time of long ago until the most recent ones.  It has always been a treat for us, their children, to listen to their stories.  Tonight it was just me and and my mom, and I contributed some of the memories I had of the stories being told.  When the song "I Had A Dream" started playing, my dad excitedly asked me to turn the volume up.  I knew for the longest time that this was his most favorite song from the group.  He had other favorites but this one topped his list.  When the song ended, he asked me to play it again.  I forgot now what we talked about while the song was being played the first time.  But what is now stuck in my head was my mom's odd (I thought it was odd the first time she said it) request.  She told me that I should sing this song for dad.  I was confused at first because I didn't know of any upcoming get-together where I could see myself singing for my dad.  Thus,  I asked her when she wanted me to do it.  Then, as I looked at her and saw her eyes, I finally understood what she meant and I nearly burst out into tears.  I can't say it now but maybe someday I will tell you everything.  But as for now, let me share to you my dad's favorite ABBA song.  

that one day

just give me one day
a day when i can pour my heart out,
singing the blues that replaced the redness of my heart
a day when i can just burst out in tears.
like a river running down my cheeks
a day when i can be weak.
losing the battle previously won
a day when i can lean on others,
getting comfort from wherever i can
give me that one day
then I will be strong
like a mountain
pushing against the wind
someone you can depend on
through highs and lows
through thick and thin
just give me that one day
then i will be the one .......


the one to give you 
all the DAYS that you need




Katy L. 02/05/2012