Sunday, March 11, 2012

Of Tears and Pain

I have been battling with myself whether to blog or not what I have been going through lately.  Today, as I sit here, facing my Dad who is lying on a hospital bed too groggy from all the medicines, I felt the need to air all my feelings out.  I know that all my recent blogs have been pretty sad but who can blame me when my Dad's prognosis has turned from hopeful to terminal in just a matter of months.

I can count the times when I've permitted myself to cry unabashedly since the start of my Dad's ordeal in one hand.  We all agreed that we would not cry infront of our Dad.  It saddens him to see us in tears and no one wanted to add to the pain that he's already going through.  I have been telling myself to be strong, and praying for the courage to face this latest chapter of our lives, for both my Dad and Mom.  But seeing him in physical agony and seeing her trying hard to keep her emotions in check, is tearing me to pieces.  My siblings and I have our own coping mechanisms but I know they too, feel the same way.  

We all try to go on with our normal daily routines.  I have been going back to the shop, managing it and trying to improve it's services bit by bit.  Aside from that, I try to squeeze in errands for the family.  I have been trying to make time to go out with friends, but unfortunately our free schedules do not match most of the time.  But it is really difficult to concentrate on one thing, when at the back of my mind, I am dealing with the thought that my father may soon be gone.  No matter how much I prepare for it; no matter how strong I try to be; and even if I've accepted his situation, I am still my father's daughter and my heart is flooded with tears and pain. 

Once when I was young and was in pain from an unknown cause, I heard my Dad say: "I feel so useless, I cannot do anything for her.  If only I can carry the pain for her, I would, just so that she won't suffer anymore."  That is how I feel right now.  I am willing to own the pain he is going through, just so that he won't suffer anymore.
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3 comments:

  1. tereMarch 13, 2012 at 9:55 PM

    Prayers for your family KT. Our God may have best reasons for things coming our way. Its never easy letting go of things important to us much more of persons we love dearly. But i know that when things happen we can't control there is always that one up there who'll always looks for us and help us all the way :) May your whole family be bless and take care of our dearly beloved God up above.

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  2. barokMarch 14, 2012 at 7:47 AM

    i cannot entirely feel your pain and hardships right now, katy, but rest assured that you are in my prayers -- you, your dad and for the rest of your family. i sound like a broken record telling you to keep it strong, but you really have to as your family needs it from you right now. we miss you being with you, katy, but you're dad needs you more these days. stay with him more, spend more time with him. God bless you...

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  3. KT LibarnesMarch 14, 2012 at 10:29 PM

    Thank you Tere and Barok. Your words of support are very much appreciated. Staying strong but there are times when the tears just fall. Going to the hospital as often as i can, staying close even though it's so hard to see him in his condition now.

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