My Most Favorite Childhood Song

K-K-K-KATY

K-K-K-Katy, beautiful Katy, 

You’re the only g-g-g-girl that I adore; 

When the m-m-m-moon shines, 

Over the c-c-c-cowshed, 

I’ll be waiting at the k-k-k-kitchen door.

My Dad and his friends used to sing this song a lot when I was young.  Back then I thought it was an original song that they made up just for me.  When I grew older I learned that it was a campfire song that they used to sing as boy scouts.  

My Dad used to sing this to me as a lullabye but it had a different effect on me.  Even when I was already half-asleep,  I would sing along with him and end up being wide-awake, singing the lyrics at the top of my lungs.  

Last night, some of his friends from high school visited him. To our delight, he was awake and very lively as they chatted about the old days (stories we've heard countless of times every time they got together) and as they sang songs from their repertoire back when they were part of the glee club.  For the first time, after all these years, I heard my Dad sing this song again.  He was looking at me and gestured to me with his hand as he sang.  I sang along with them and danced a bit until I felt the tears running down my cheeks.  I did not want to turn away but I had to since I did not want him to see me cry.  

How I wish I recorded that moment.  Imagine, a video of him singing my most favorite childhood song.  I now have my camera ready just in case his friends would visit and they sing that song again.  

Sing this song for me again, Daddy.  Sing it for me again.......

Of Tears and Pain

I have been battling with myself whether to blog or not what I have been going through lately.  Today, as I sit here, facing my Dad who is lying on a hospital bed too groggy from all the medicines, I felt the need to air all my feelings out.  I know that all my recent blogs have been pretty sad but who can blame me when my Dad's prognosis has turned from hopeful to terminal in just a matter of months.

I can count the times when I've permitted myself to cry unabashedly since the start of my Dad's ordeal in one hand.  We all agreed that we would not cry infront of our Dad.  It saddens him to see us in tears and no one wanted to add to the pain that he's already going through.  I have been telling myself to be strong, and praying for the courage to face this latest chapter of our lives, for both my Dad and Mom.  But seeing him in physical agony and seeing her trying hard to keep her emotions in check, is tearing me to pieces.  My siblings and I have our own coping mechanisms but I know they too, feel the same way.  

We all try to go on with our normal daily routines.  I have been going back to the shop, managing it and trying to improve it's services bit by bit.  Aside from that, I try to squeeze in errands for the family.  I have been trying to make time to go out with friends, but unfortunately our free schedules do not match most of the time.  But it is really difficult to concentrate on one thing, when at the back of my mind, I am dealing with the thought that my father may soon be gone.  No matter how much I prepare for it; no matter how strong I try to be; and even if I've accepted his situation, I am still my father's daughter and my heart is flooded with tears and pain. 

Once when I was young and was in pain from an unknown cause, I heard my Dad say: "I feel so useless, I cannot do anything for her.  If only I can carry the pain for her, I would, just so that she won't suffer anymore."  That is how I feel right now.  I am willing to own the pain he is going through, just so that he won't suffer anymore.